Communication oddly enough comes down to some pretty basic principles. I say “Oddly
enough” because given the fact that we all interpret the world in a different
way and also capture it through lenses that are forged in the fire of our
experiences, it is honestly mind boggling to think that we can ever manage to
agree on anything . . . even the basic things. Like color, or that what I’m
sitting on is a couch, or that what I’m drinking out of is indeed a glass, and that
within the confines of that glass is a liquid I thoroughly enjoy that many
agree to be a specific type of bourbon . . . you get the idea.
I think we can all agree that bourbon is fantastic and
heartwarming . . . literally. If you happen to disagree, go away, you won’t
understand my ramblings anyway.
Messages are sent and received, it’s that simple. Body
language, elevation of volume, tone and amplification of voice, and the words themselves are some
of the methods by which we express ourselves, and at any given time there are a
few messages that are more pertinent than others. Where our emotions can
occasionally get the best of us and send unintended signals, and where there
are those among us whose words are inconsistent with their behavior, the words
comprise the message that is consciously manufactured, so why do we give less
credence to our conscious mind than we do to our outward appearance?
I find myself constantly perplexed by the overused saying “It’s
not what you say; it’s how you say it.” Really? Because often I find that the
words I actually speak are of significantly higher import than the manner in
which they’re delivered. This isn’t to say that there aren’t non-verbal
messages being delivered at all times from one human being to another or many,
but we tend to lose sight of the fact that our actual dialogue trumps our behavior
on the priority scale, especially in times of duress. It’s a matter of what
specifically is being communicated, and sometimes the fact that you’re panicked,
uncomfortable, or angry isn’t the most pertinent piece of information at the
present moment.
We put far too much stock into how we feel, and far less
into what’s important in this particular moment and the fact that all we really
have control over are our actions and reactions. We see emotion as this
involuntary reflex that consumes us without our permission and guides our actions
. . . but that is just downright inaccurate. Emotion does exist, in most cases
it is triggered by our environment or the events unfolding around us, and it
obviously doesn’t ask our permission before making its presence known, but we
can chose how to deal with it, whether this is the moment to suppress it and
endure until a more convenient moment for a breakdown, or to embrace it and put
it on display, or better yet to harness it and use it as fuel for the fire.
There is an effective way to manage what we feel, and it is something we can
learn.
This is something I noticed recently through my work with
the US Army. From my psychological evaluation of this particular organization,
I’ve made note of many mental skills that are taught completely by accident.
For example, in teaching Performance Psychology we consistently refer back to
the mental filter or selective perception. A way of interpreting the world
around us, we filter the information that reaches our conscious mind so as to
avoid becoming overwhelmed, maintain our confidence level, or focus on the
stuff that has an immediate impact on our well-being.
We are bombarded with information. Our instincts allow us to
receive all of the messages sent from our environment and from our extremities:
“That lamp is bright, that table is brown, that TV is sick . . . hell yeah,
that’s sick!, that underage kid down the block really can’t hold his liquor and
the volume of his voice means he might get hit in the mouth soon, I need to get
a coffee table with a curved edge because this 90 degree angle is cutting into
the back of my knee,” so on and so forth . . . and we get to chose what
registers and what doesn’t. Inevitably there’s a dude at a bar wearing a sequined
shirt or a fat girl wearing clothes that are offensively tight, these people
have magnificent mental filters . . . For them! They don’t seem to work for the
rest of us, but they work for them! . . . because somehow they are able to
carry themselves confidently when they damn well shouldn’t. The girl needs to
recognize when it’s time to start wearing things that are “Flowey” if she’s not
gonna get in the gym, and the dude needs to realize that unless he’s looking
for a life partner and his “Big break”
as a dancer in a music video, sequined shirts are unacceptable.
The military trains this mental filter in
a way that is quite simply hilarious, but its impact is life-altering. Basic Combat
Training for the infantry is designed to be a high pressure environment. Why,
you ask? Well, any training is engineered to prepare you for a job. Combat is
life and death, so by all rights the training to go into it should resemble as
closely as possible the environment one will have to endure. It starts and ends
with the Drill Sergeants. To take a civilian and prepare them for the military,
and not only the military but the chaotic environment that is war, is no small
task. Luckily, we have disgruntled, pissed off, combat veterans with a desire
to make soldiers better and a rolodex of profanity that is simply unparalleled
to take sniveling little bitches and grown men alike, and prepare them for the
pressure cooker of bombs, bullets, and blood.
You wouldn’t realize to observe it for a brief moment, but
all the “Cocksuckers,” “Shitheads,” “Fucktards,” (The only one highlighted by
spellcheck by the way) and “Sphincter monkeys” actually serve a very valuable
purpose. By yelling and displaying behavioral characteristics like disgust,
anger, disapproval, and general dominance throughout the early days of
training, the Drill Sergeants actually teach trainees to filter out the profanity
and the behavior and grasp the information important to get the job done.
If I’m teaching someone to do a push-up and my dialogue
looks something like this: “Get your fucking back straight you worthless sack
of dog vomit! I swear to Christ, if you don’t lock out those pathetic little
shitsticks you call arms every once in a damn while, none of the fucking
squirming around on the ground you’re doing is gonna count for dick!” there
actually is a message in there, but it takes a shovel to sift through. With this
kind of constant verbal onslaught people actually develop the ability to
determine what is white noise, and what is important. “Back straight” and “Lock
your arms out” are the two statements that matter, but they’re shrouded in
insignificant, but humorous, garbage.
Why, then, can the rest of the world not figure this out? With
regards to communication, the words matter too; sometimes the way they’re said
is just white noise. I understand, when we sit here and stew over our
relatively comfortable dramas, we really do spend a lot of time consuming
ourselves with how someone talked to us rather than what was said, but when the
world is crashing down around you is that really all that matters? This is
something combat vets deal with upon confronting “Civilized” society once more.
We sweat the small stuff out here and put entirely too much value on our feelings
rather than simply experiencing and sifting through the monotony to grasp the
real message or determine what is the most crucial to our well-being.
So, what did I just say?
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